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Saturday, May 31

Had a talk to the student leaders yesterday, and i did not expect myself to cry. I am loss for words now. I don't know what else to say either. But i know deep down inside of me, there are a lot of things, i want to post it all out. Firstly, i want to apologise to each and everyone, for i know these few days, i am not in a good mood. And for some things, i had neglected some of you. And also to the student leaders, for sounding harsh today. I am getting emotional now. I am hearing the song "We will get there" by sun yanzi.. recall those days when i went for the student leader trip to shanghai. Miss those days and find those lyrics just nice for the student leader. Actually, i couldn't understand why the SLs have left such a big impact on me.. i don't know why did i cried.. actually today, when i said those things, i really don't know what i am talking. Because at that point of time, perhaps i couldn't control what my mind was thinking. I was really feeling very sad.. very hopeless. i don't know what i had given you guys an impression, or rather an impact. I questioned myself once: if it does have impact on you guys, how long will it last? Will there be another next time? I read again my letter before the meeting itself and i was really in a dilemma if i should read it out to you guys. I had this fear within me that, i would bring the wrong message to you all. I was afraid that i would be too harsh, too harsh that you guys will grow to hate the board. Anyway, I did not say much. Student leaders, really hope all of will wake up from this nightmare. I don’t care how people criticized, I am very sure that we are not that bad after all. Prove to them that we can do it, and we are not a bunch of slackers. Don’t know if they will understand what we are trying to say today, and wonder how they are feeling now. (any personal comments pls come find me talk) = )

Heli Dont ask me why 8:29 AM

Monday, May 26

done one hour of geog. one and half hour of amath paper1.. got back my emath paper 2 today.. and from an A2 drop till B4.. duhz.. never mind.. probably like what ms ong.. or rather mRs tAn.. said is we couldn't cope with the exam condition.. as in don't have the stamina to go through the 2 and half hour of paper.. probably.. anyway.. oh yah.. want to share with you guys something.. a friend that i knew since i was sec 1. Somemore, she's my first friend in xinmin. Hm.. we were very close then.. really like magnet.. haha.. well, but due to some reason or another, somehow our friendship wasn't that close liaoz.. but, i am very glad to know her.. really very happy.. she is a very warm person.. hm.. very "jiang yi qi" friend.. As i recalled the past, really miss those days.. and today's her birthday.. hey cer, happy birthday.. wish you have a wonderful birthday this year.. and all the best in your future endeavours.. smilE =D

As we go on, we remember
All the times we, had together
As our life change, come whatever
We will still be, fRiEnDs fOrEvEr!

Heli Dont ask me why 11:11 PM

Saturday, May 24

Have my A-maths paper today. Blow.. conclusion: Want to score well, get really prepared before the paper starts. No point staying up so late to go through the questions and try to solve them. As in not totally useless, but distinction requires not only that. In the long run, one must really put in lots of efforts to do so. Some in our life they are born will high intelligence yet unwillling to put in effort. They are the black horse. Some from young are train to be hardworking. Those that belong in this category has two outcome. First, their hardwork has paid off. Second, needless for me to say, guess most of you should know, hardwork has gone down the drain. Which category do you belong then? One thing man must face is, even though the sayings: You reap what you sow, we know it doesn't work this way all the while. Most of us had gone through that path that, you put in your 100% effort, but that doesn't mean you will get 100% resuls. A farmer was about to harvest his own crops. But the locust came to attack his crops, and he's left with nothing. It's not that he did not put in effort. Look, is that last stage when somethings has to go wrong that causes it to happen. Likewise, whatever we are facing presently, if in the end its not what we hope to achieve or expect, let it be. Actually, one way of motivating oneself is to keep looking forward to the day when you can be proud and satisfied of your own hardwork. Nothing is impossilbe, nothing is unsolvable. Recently i have post things related to SL, and many had commented. I want to let everyone know, when i type that, is when i am at my upmost limit where i could tolerate no further. Though the thought of giving it up cross my mind not only once, i won't. I yearn for the day whereby all of us would be proud of the student leaders of xinmin, where all of us would be a family. We'll wait and see. ( ' ' , )

Heli Dont ask me why 8:54 PM

Friday, May 23

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.

Heli Dont ask me why 7:06 PM

Tuesday, May 20

I was thinking the whole night through people. What's the point of asking you guys to put on your tie when its so difficult? What's the use of the fining system? We don't want to treat you guys like primary students, going around to book you guys. Mind you, we don't have that time. And the sad thing is, it isn't working at all too. I don't know how you guys are going to react after reading all these. Maybe some will just read through and think "bah.. again.." I don't know. But i hope you treat this seriously. For once, please reflect upon yourself. Look at the badge you are wearing, look at the tie given to you. Are you worthy of them?

Heli Dont ask me why 6:18 AM

Monday, May 19

i forgot to mention something. I know i am being biase to some. And some had reflected that point to me. But i want you guys to know that, during SL activities or what, i really am not biase. I don't and the rest of the leaders as well. And please don't feel that i am lefting you guys out. I really really treat each and everyone of you with the same respect. I know its very hard for you to accept this by me only typing it all. yes, action speaks louder that words. But really, if you guys still carry the mindset that i am being biase, there's nothing i can do! Sometimes i just stare blankly at my badge, the more i think, the more hopeless i felt. I can't change anything, and i have my own juniors viewing me in such a way. Okay, i admit i was biase. But i want to reassure you guys again, i will be fair! Some of you don't really take part in lots of activities and think that you are left out. NO NO NO! Can i just reinforce this sentence: "We are one big family." okayz? some of you even purposely don't wear tie, dont' do duty. Waiting for me to sack you guys. C'mon... Why not you guys tell me what to do then... I really really am at a loss of what to do with the whole lot of you. I am not throwing my temper around here, but i really want to get this message across: I am a failure.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:51 PM

sucks.. i am a USELESS headprefect. i repeat the word: useless!!!! everyday go to school have to face stupid problems like students having their shirt or blouse tuck out, wear ankle socks, this and that. Then the teachers will say me what never catch them, my own student leaders also never show good example. What the... must i be always 24 hour round the clock making sure that each and everyone wear properly? Then how am i going to make sure everybody wear standard schools socks to school? Calling up everyone to remind them to wear? Going around to check people's ankle? Stupid isn't it? Ridiculous..and i have student leaders not wearing tie, giving me all sort of reasons.. that includes every single one of the SLs. I had enough man. I don't care how you all going to view me after you guys read this post. This is my last straw! I admit, i am not a good headprefect, at least not much comparable to the previous. Teachers criticised me, some of you come complain to me this and that. I really really done my best. And you guys share to me about how you feel about the SL board. I had thought of a lot of things to help change and modify the board. But by showing me that kind of attitude? by not wearing tie and then telling me that other people also did not wear? are you guys trying to tell me that i can't do anything? i sound harsh, and i agree that anybody that read this will be fuming mad. I really kept this very long in my heart. I can't give up, because i made a promise. But what about you guys? I did mention very very clearly to all of you that, if there isn't a change of attitude in the board, the committee will dissolve, right? I know, its only few more months to us stepping down. So what if we dissolve now? Would there be any difference? I really don't know what else to say anymore. But of course, you guys have your performance too. After all that "scoldings" i thought i saw some improvements, but it never last? maybe all of you think that the SL is not united and so on. But i can't make this happen if you guys don't start things going! like the sayings go, "it takes two hands to clap." Mid year over for you guys right? before your mid year, had lots of things up in my head for you guys. yet, right now i had no confidence.. I will view each and everyone of you everyday in school, if things don't go well. Fine. I hope those of you that read this get what i meant. I don't wish to post this out at all. But i really had enough. I am not here to shame you guys. And to those non-SLs, i hope you guys are not looking down on them. They are a great batch of SLs to be with. And i totally agree. I apologised to you guys if i said something wrong up there. I am not angry, but dissapointed. Very.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:37 PM

Saturday, May 17

phew...very tired today... finish my emath paper1 today. Hoping can get distinction ba.. and also i think won't fail easily. Well, like last saturday, the same people came my house but this time with jiaying(haha..our asp..) and we watch X-men II.. hm... not bad, but i hate the ending... jean sacrificed her life for the rest, admired her a lot. Then they watch another vcd. But as for me, today totally shack. Every movement, very lethargic. And also talked to them about my mother's thing too. I find myself sharing this story to a lot of people. Actually, i really don't mind saying out.. i think is you all mind ba, thinking i will turn out to be sad. No lah, if i am able to say out, i think is kind of first step for me to put down the past and make one step ahead. Moreover, after i say them all out, i think i feel kind of relief. Anyway, i mentioned about alot of things that had been going on in my head for the past few days. Those coincidences.. i think everything kind of prepared. And to be honest, i did think really really alot... but at the end of the day, i asked myself, "So what?" Right?

Heli Dont ask me why 11:15 PM

get my SI rank liaoz...aiya.. the interview very short nia... less than 15mins.. then i chiong back to school for physics pratical.. haiz.. very unlucky.. butterfingers that dayz.. firstly, broke the glass stiring rod. Then when i returned the glass block, one of the glass chip came out.. Worst... when doing the next pratical, wow.. kana scalded by hot water... but lucky my skin thick, so nothing wrong. Anyway, SI rank.. i don't think i deserve it lahz. At least, i don't really meet the standard of being one. And also being a headprefect.. actually, i personally think that, engchoon deserve to be one(if that time he don't hate SL)... really.. i think i only need to handle things only during emergency.. and sometimes don't.. well.. haiz.. then for this SI rank too.. i really did not commit myself very very much in npcc like everyone think i am.. basically, i think i am a big slacker... Perhaps, jaguar house captain, rest of my committee did more... i don't know.. just think that i get my positions just very luckily.. duhz...

Heli Dont ask me why 6:53 PM

Thursday, May 15

happy vesak day. Have been doing math the whole day... sianz.. saturday is mid year emath paper1.. ms ong said she may expect 10 people to fail. I think i am one of them ba.. since my math sux to the core. Anyway, went to make glasses and supposingly contact lense as well.. but that person said my degree too high, if want to make need to make permanent de. And it cost 300 bucks plus plus.. very ex right? so... in the end only make glasses at 90 bucks nia. Now still considering if want to make contact lense a not. Hmz... tomorrow going for interview and gonna miss physic pratical again... miss 2 pratical liaoz.. anyway the interview at hougang sec, about my new rank: SI. wish me good luck ba. Alright, gotta go. Zoom................

Heli Dont ask me why 9:28 PM

Wednesday, May 14

Don't be a person who
Have to look back
And wonder what they would have
Or could have...
No one waits forever....

Heli Dont ask me why 11:23 PM

Nights of hardwork, hours of studying, damn... in the end, i still fail... what the hell is wrong... i scanned through the paper and i realize i can't pass even if i study... it's all about my damn foundation, can't do well in that area. Demoralise me as well... 26 more days to chinese O's.. started studying 2 hrs per day for chinese yesterday... don't think i have the mood to carry on. Rest assure, i bet this feeling is temporary. But the thought of working hard yet its useless really... I know i know, don't have to tell me "try harder next time.." or "it's okay. you can still do it.". I think i need to cool down, everytime test fail, i too had this kind of disgusted feeling. Never mind...

Heli Dont ask me why 4:25 PM

Tuesday, May 13

Felt sick today. The minute i stepped out, got that kind of not-so-good feeling. Felt so hot all over, and face so damn red. Yah, my face would appear red most of the time, but it was extraordinary red today i suppose. Yesterday had an early night rest, down with a flu. Today, just measure my temp. - 37.2 not so bad ba.. anyway, i am still going school.. And today during CME, received a handout entitled "Mother, the queen of my heart" Find it rather meaningful and true. There's one very last part which i like it alot, hmz.. shall type it here.
... Some months before she died, she asked her four children, aged four to ten: "what food would you like mum to cook for you all?" She got the neighbours to buy the ingredients. The sight of her emaciated body, half bent with pain and struggling to cook that last supper of salted fish head curry for us is etched in my memory. So i don't need Mother's Day to remember my mother or reinforce my love for her. I already have had a shrine in my heart for her all these years.
Nice isn't it? Of course this is only part of it, but i find it the most interesting. Hm.. and i shall not deny the fact that i once again recalled about my mum. I too no need mother's day to remember her, i think, even as i grow older, everyday i will always recall about the bits and bits of memories i had with her. Not that i don't let go, but i think, there's no harm thinking of her. I suppose.. what do you think then...?

Heli Dont ask me why 10:23 PM

Sunday, May 11

I thought of You again today.
All I wanted was for You to stay...
I wake up and I think of You
and I go to bed feeling blue...

I know I have to let You go...
Everyone tells me this is so...
See, My life has stopped since
You passed away,
Sometimes I can't bear it
even for one more day...

Thoughts of You consume Me
every second of everyday,
I just want it back, you know,
the way things used to be...

In my life You held the key
and now I have just Your memory
And though it's not enough for Me,
This is how it has to be...

I need to laugh again
Without feeling guilty
You aren't here...
I feel so alone & full of fear.
it's terribly hard when all that's
left is tears...

You taught Me to hold my head high
be Strong, & think Smart...
You taught Me to be true
with every inch of My Heart...

I Love you so much,
I promise to keep You safe ,
where You've always been of course,
In My heart, that's the place...

adapted from some webby, that's what i want so say. okiez, wanna wish all mother's happy mother's day. And of coz to my mum too, though she is not physically here, she's always in my heart. Happy mother's day mum, & luv you alwaes..i miss you.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:33 PM

Saturday, May 10

hm..finally prelim over. Realize i studied like shit, yet nothing comes out. Think upon eighty, gonna get fifty the most... nvm... it's over. Then caihui and rest came over my house today watch the schindrelzer's(dunno how spell) list. Actually, 2nd time watching it, sort of immune to the sad scenes...so din really feel very sad, juz very numb ba. But, as usual, after that, got serious headache. After watching show, we had FUN playing with poker. Made so much noise, my dad muz be thinking what the hell are we doing. Haha. Okay.. message for today: competeness will lead to a unhappy life. I think, my life, i compete too much. Even when i get a good result, i still asked for more, wanting to be the best. But at the end of the day, so what if i achieve it, so what if i did not? I think a person that really asked a lot from him or herself, he or she will not be happy. hm...i think i asked and pursued to much in life, i want a better and peaceful life. yEahz

Heli Dont ask me why 11:43 PM

Friday, May 9

phew..decide to take a break after studying for bout..2 hr plus non stop? now having my dinner, so decide to come online as well.. well.. i these few days stress ba..that's why think a lot..kkz..tmr chinese prelim liaoz...don't know if can do well a not... but not going to care much, since it's only prelim. I will do my best ba... can only see chinese words revolving around me.. duhz... i want to work very hard for my chinese and get distinction den can concentrate well on other subjects. Hm... all the bez lahz to everybody also... and to those having midyr, muz jiayou also... everybody yi qi jia you!! ( ' ' , )

Heli Dont ask me why 9:11 PM

Thursday, May 8

Emotions just run through me again. Just visit this webby, http://wang-yuan.diy.163.com/wygs.htm then there's this song i forgot the title..by jeff i suppose.. as i hear, it sort of bring me to this outer world. I began to reflect about lots of things. Friends, families, school, studies... I saw lots of unhappiness and everything's so down. I can't express myself well through here becoz the feeling is so hard for me to translate into words. Why is everyone looking so sad and down and everything but happy? Why have i come to this stage or part of life where no one seems to be feeling good...? Suddenly just feel like breaking down... I hate to go through this feeling. Everytime it happens, i don't see the colour of the world, it's just greyish..black and white. In my mind, there's just this overwhelming sadness that couldn't stop floating by. I hate to say this, but i think i am tired of life. i am tired of all these. Everything is very tiring. I seems to have stuck in this stage very long, i want to move on. But i can't. Just what's stopping me from going on? Everyday before sleeping, i would just think and think till i fell asleep. It had become a habit, a part of my life. Need not tell me not to think, coz i can't even stop myself. I am sad, unhappy, worried, all of it. Bad news kept overcrowding me. Tests results, all so damn lousy. Can't believe i am taking my exams in about 6months? Teachers kept reinforcing that there's not much time for us..and we have to buck up. My english ain getting better...kept failing. Problems among my friends, they just simply refuse to say. I know its hard and you probably have reasons not to say. But you just tell me you want to get out of the picture and not telling me why.. you know who you are, and i want to help. Especially during this period of time. I am sure you need care and concern so just say.. you're one of those kept encouraging people to say out when they are sad, then why are you not saying? I sound harsh, but i can't help it..and i am sorry for it. Dad too...somethings probably bothering him. Everyday just can't help, but i recall alot. Memories with her, her actions, everything.. Many of the things i had done, is just something to prove or to show to her.. yet.. I am one that strives a lot for that which, in the end, will not make me happier. Just look around everything, there's nothing, nobody, no nothing to get me out of this pit. There's just too much. Look at everyone, everyone's not happy. So what if you're showing me a smile, it doesn't mean you are happy. And it doesn't means i think you're happy. There's still much for me to say. It's absolutely impossible to say it all out here. I think too much. I going to stop here. I said enough i suppose. This is just another day. Let it go.

Heli Dont ask me why 5:54 PM

Wednesday, May 7

Had quite a long meeting just now regarding SL stuffs. Haiz...actually sick and tired of doing all these things moreover my exams are coming and this is an important year. Earlier on busy with house things, now SL. Lucky npcc not much stuff to do and i stepping down soon. Hm...however promise to them that i will try implement changes before i step down of SL board, and to salvage the committee now. Lately had been doing either math, or chinese. Duhz..and had been having unusual sleep lately. Just yesterday, woke up about every hour...2 plus, 3 plus, 4 plus... dot... and since i woke up, want to study, don't have the energy or mind to do so, yet i can't sleep. Hope this is just temporary... hm... hm... hm...

Heli Dont ask me why 7:20 PM

Tuesday, May 6

Not myself today. PE - wanted silence, don't want anybody to talk to me. Sitting at a corner, watching each and everyone's movement. Yah right, i am not myself. Then after that, in class talk so much. Laughed so much. Duhz... this is wad i called the double side of me. Today's not a gd day. Everybody's not looking and feeling good ba. Perhaps due to the coming exams. Don't too stress. Just do whatever you can, give your best shot. But never never never give up. Coz you give up, then when the results no good, you're going to regret why you did not put in a lot of effort. Everybody work hard, encourage each other. Hang on, the exams will be over soon. Good luck.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:27 PM

Monday, May 5

hm..had a nice chat wif mic juz now. Find that talking to someone about my life really feels good. But, it doesn't after that. No offense. Anyway, don't worry. I am not walking backwards, perhaps sometimes i will just look back and think, but i will move on. The usual phrase "life goes on...". Hm... the DISC course again. Regret not doing it coz this time round the result was rather very accurate and more detail than the previous one. Nvm.. i was a DI in the past.. think sort of shifted to ID now instead. I think i am a cynic...?(though dunno meaning.. i think is double personality huh?) Duh.. don't care. Saturday prelim chinese, i am not fully prepared. Had my xiao che yan today, i think the feeling was different. In the past, i forgot the word will think on the spot a lot. Today, see the blank, forgot the word, just fill in with another. Don't bother to go think if it's correct, just don't give a damn.. Duhz...

Heli Dont ask me why 10:20 PM

Sunday, May 4

hey people... thanz. Read those comments given, felt very touched. Very glad to know all of you. Yesterday was a tough day. well, it's over and i am back to normal. Maybe if one of these day i happened to have those thoughts again, probably leave me alone. I know its tiring to repeat things over and over again(to me). Some might feel kind of irritated to psycho me and talk me around, can understand the feeling of repeating everything and nothing gets into me. well, leave me alone. I will be okay the next day (and here i am.) Hm.. thankz chee kean for that advice. However, i think it had become a part of me going around listening to ppl's story. I like to get involve in their lifes, and others. Hm.. sometimes it will make me feel better. lolz...

Heli Dont ask me why 10:31 PM

"When someone dies, you don't get over it by forgetting; you get over it by remembering and you are aware that no person is truly lost or gone once they have been in our life and loved us, as we have loved them."
Well said. Online yesterday, and post lots of things out. Was getting too emotional, and it just flows non-stop. You're right gnotos. When a person's cry, the emotions will flow and non-stop. I felt a lot better after that. And also, sorry for making you guys sad too yesterday - i didn't mean it. Thanks for all the concern, youcai - i will not forget 'fey' de... is because i got so many friends that stood by me when i was down, that i able to last till now. "you cannot always be in the self denial and self pitied stage.. you have to get out of that" I don't want to be stuck in that stage. A goal in my life is to help other young people find positives in their lives even when forced with certain obstacles. Life goes on and I will move on.

Thanks mianbao and gnotos yesterday. (",)

Heli Dont ask me why 8:41 AM

Saturday, May 3

they walked into your life and will never walk out. even when they are 'physically' gone, they still remain there. their footprints stop, but their heart went away with yours. Don't feel lonely, you have companion. I said so much today, for what... reason is, i hate myself so much, how i wished i could go back...but i knew i couldn't..i couldn't.. but i hope you all will...for i don't want to see you guys going through this. It sucks. Your family, your friends. Perhaps i shouldn't say all these... but i thought, it's probably one of the things in life we overlooked. and i did, and i regret.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:55 PM

she can't see me..or can she.. i know i shouldn't cry, i shouldn't let her sad..but i just can't control...i can't..i felt so useless, so hopeless...i can't seems to think straight..i dreamt of you again..or was it you in it? have you come to see me? each time u appear in my dream, its seems as though you are unhappy..how are you... i really want to know... i am sorry.. i really don't cherish you when you are alive..not that you are gone... i feel very very lonely... there's no one to talk with me anymore...nobody to check on me if i am asleep... i miss you... this year birthday, you are going through it alone..i am really sorry i can't celebrate with you anymore..or perhaps i can.. but there's so many things i can't throw behind in this world..mum..i am really sorry......i dunno how to go about making you happy.. i can only say, "i'm sorry..."
to all those reading this, i am sure you wouldn't want to go through what i am going through now.. i really hope you all will cherish what's given to you, be it your friends, families. Don't wait till they are gone, then you start regretting. i regret alot...for not understanding her, making her happy. I really hope each and everyone of you, starting from now, treat them as though they may not be with you the next moment.. thank them for whatever they had done. Bear in mind, whatever they do, is all for your own good. Don't wait till last moment, and then you tell them how much they are important to you. Now that i had lost her, what i can do is to spread this to all of you. Cherish them for whom they are, without them, you would not be what you are today.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:36 PM

I went to see her today again. Staring hard at the picture, i whispered "Mummy, shen re kuai le..." and i turned quiet. All i did was to stand there, looked at the picture and whatever happened in the past just appeared. Today's her 46th birthday, and she was alone. At the thought of it, i really felt so sad deep down...I regretted not making her birthday happy in the past, and i had no chance anymore. Last year, i bought her a cake. that's it. I did not wish her or what. When i was very young, staying at my grandma's house, she would often make a call back from the office. And on her birthday, she called and asked me if i knew it was her birthday that day. I sounded shy over the phone i thought. I wanted to wish and thank her for so many things then. I wondered, why do we turn so cold towards our family as we grow older...? Why do i not know how to cherish her until she was gone? Though it's nearly one year, it would still come back like a wave washing over me. All i had to do was look around at home. It was a constant reminder. At the beginning, i tried to keep myself busy with school life, with everything, and when i reached home, i wouldn't have time to think... I was always able to cover up the pain with distractions that would seem to keep my mind off her. I knew deep down inside at some point, i would have to deal with my real feelings and emotions surronding my mother's death. The stall outside canteen selling mother's day gifts, they asked me to buy. I am sorry, not that i don't want to help, but i see no point.

Heli Dont ask me why 8:32 PM

happy birthday mum...

Heli Dont ask me why 11:50 AM

Thursday, May 1

wow..lately ppl's bloggy realli saddening..hm..sad about friendships, life, studies...?? what's wrong ppl...?? want hear my story?
"Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved." These few days kept thinking back about my past, those letters friends had given to me, and i realize the sentence in "" is really true. I remembered that time i really sunk deep down into the bottom of the world, where i can do is to watch each day past...and when all these letters came in(i did cried la..), i realize i am not facing all problems alone. Far behind me, no matter how far my friends are behind, i knew they are with me. So likewise, don't feel lonely, or sad, or thinking you're alone. No matter what happen, the friends are always walking with you in your journey. That's why, "Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." Agree...? Friends are for life, forever and ever...friends are the best. Cheers!

Heli Dont ask me why 12:41 PM

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